Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
