when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So squirting runs in the family.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
