you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
