Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
