My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
