Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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