My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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