Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize