is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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