um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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