Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
