I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
