i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
