Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
