I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
