I cockslap morals
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
