Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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