BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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