On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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