My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize