just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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