I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
