in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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