just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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