No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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