so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
