Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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