Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
