God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
