I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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