You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
