I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
