Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
