woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize