mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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