dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize