but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
