i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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