Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
MIDGETS
????
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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