Where is the hickey?
Its about making memories worth repressing
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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