Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
