why didn't you poke me back
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
