so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
