please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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