I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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