So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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