What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
