The maid of honor just puked.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
