As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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