that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
