So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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