you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
