I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
