Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
