I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
