so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
