My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
