Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
