thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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