We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
