before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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