Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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