i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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